Behind Closed Doors: Three Stories of Domestic Abuse in College
This story appeared on the front page of the Park University Stylus in March 2012.
Editor’s note: After a former Park student plead “no contest” to a charge of domestic assault, the Stylus decided to find more stories of relationship abuse in college. To find these stories, the Stylus posted a message on Facebook. The students profiled here volunteered to talk about their unhealthy relationships so others may recognize their own warning signs. The names in these stories have been changed.
"Things would be so intense...
We said 'I love you' after
just a month of dating."
By Andi Enns
Editor
On paper, the red flags for domestic abuse and dating violence are printed in black and white. So simple. So clear. It makes outsiders wonder how anyone could get sucked in, how anyone could stay, and how anyone could stand for those behaviors.
In reality, abuse isn’t sudden. It doesn’t look black and white, and sometimes the only bruises abuse leaves are on self esteem.
Synergy Services, an organization in Parkville, Mo., dedicated to preventing abuse and bullying, suggested in their violence prevention report one in three women will be abused in her lifetime. According to Jewish Women International, one in five college students – male and female – reports being abused by their current partner, with freshman being the most susceptible.
Domestic abuse can be physical, sexual, or emotional. It includes actual force or the threat of force, name-calling, manipulating, and nagging for sex. Anti-violence organization Love Is Respect cautions students to be wary of partners who are extremely jealous, break things when angry, embarrass or frighten their dates purposefully, or use “playful” force during sex.
Editor
On paper, the red flags for domestic abuse and dating violence are printed in black and white. So simple. So clear. It makes outsiders wonder how anyone could get sucked in, how anyone could stay, and how anyone could stand for those behaviors.
In reality, abuse isn’t sudden. It doesn’t look black and white, and sometimes the only bruises abuse leaves are on self esteem.
Synergy Services, an organization in Parkville, Mo., dedicated to preventing abuse and bullying, suggested in their violence prevention report one in three women will be abused in her lifetime. According to Jewish Women International, one in five college students – male and female – reports being abused by their current partner, with freshman being the most susceptible.
Domestic abuse can be physical, sexual, or emotional. It includes actual force or the threat of force, name-calling, manipulating, and nagging for sex. Anti-violence organization Love Is Respect cautions students to be wary of partners who are extremely jealous, break things when angry, embarrass or frighten their dates purposefully, or use “playful” force during sex.
His angel
Benjamin said he saw the world as evil, and he had a connection to the dark side of humanity. He said he was tormented. He told his girlfriend, Stephanie Morris, she was his savior. She lit up the darkness so he could stay sane, he said. She was his angel.
“I wanted to save him,” Morris says. She is a senior in criminal justice at University of Missouri Kansas City. “I wanted to know what it was like to be so tormented.”
She says the idea of saving him didn’t feel like a burden.
“I didn’t know what he meant,” Morris says. “I thought being his angel was just an affirmation that I was important to him.”
She says she never told her friends about those conversations.
“He would always call me his angel during really deep emotional moments,” she explains. “You don’t really talk about those things with other people.”
She was majoring in women’s studies, he was majoring in theater production. Morris says they met during their first year, and she dumped her high school boyfriend for a chance with Benjamin.
“He was so passionate,” Morris says. “So intentional. I don’t want to say he was bipolar, but he was definitely dramatic.”
Looking back on her relationship, Morris says she should have noticed something was wrong.
“Behind closed doors, things would be intense,” she says. “We said, ‘I love you’ after just a month of dating.”
Tucking her ginger hair behind her ear, she shrugs.
“Maybe that wasn’t such a big deal,” she says. “But then I told him about my family.”
Like many college freshman, Morris says she was struggling to find her identity when she met Benjamin. She says her family wasn’t oppressive, but she says she was having growing pains as she developed into adulthood.
“He told me the way to become an adult,” she says, “is to give ultimatums, to cut my family off. I really wrestled with that.”
She says she should have realized his advice was a red flag, but instead she threw herself into campus life. She says she barely noticed how little time she spent with her family.
“I spent a lot of time at events,” she says. “I never felt isolated.”
Telling her story at the coffee shop near her apartment, Morris takes a long sip of her chai tea before continuing.
“As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to study abroad,” she says. “Even in elementary school, I would dream of the places I would go.”
Morris says she started collecting brochures and fliers about studying abroad when she shared her dream with Benjamin.
“He never said I couldn’t go,” she says. “But he kept telling me all the things that might go wrong.”
She says he told her he was concerned their relationship wouldn’t last if she left for a semester. He pointed out examples of other failed relationships within their social group, she says. He continually provided the dangers of traveling abroad, she says.
“I talked myself out of going,” Morris says, her light blue eyes welling with tears. “I convinced myself that I changed my mind, and it wasn’t about Benjamin. But it was. I regret it so much.”
She says she still didn’t think their relationship had a problem.
“Every relationship has compromises,” she says. “And sacrifices.”
Benjamin said he saw the world as evil, and he had a connection to the dark side of humanity. He said he was tormented. He told his girlfriend, Stephanie Morris, she was his savior. She lit up the darkness so he could stay sane, he said. She was his angel.
“I wanted to save him,” Morris says. She is a senior in criminal justice at University of Missouri Kansas City. “I wanted to know what it was like to be so tormented.”
She says the idea of saving him didn’t feel like a burden.
“I didn’t know what he meant,” Morris says. “I thought being his angel was just an affirmation that I was important to him.”
She says she never told her friends about those conversations.
“He would always call me his angel during really deep emotional moments,” she explains. “You don’t really talk about those things with other people.”
She was majoring in women’s studies, he was majoring in theater production. Morris says they met during their first year, and she dumped her high school boyfriend for a chance with Benjamin.
“He was so passionate,” Morris says. “So intentional. I don’t want to say he was bipolar, but he was definitely dramatic.”
Looking back on her relationship, Morris says she should have noticed something was wrong.
“Behind closed doors, things would be intense,” she says. “We said, ‘I love you’ after just a month of dating.”
Tucking her ginger hair behind her ear, she shrugs.
“Maybe that wasn’t such a big deal,” she says. “But then I told him about my family.”
Like many college freshman, Morris says she was struggling to find her identity when she met Benjamin. She says her family wasn’t oppressive, but she says she was having growing pains as she developed into adulthood.
“He told me the way to become an adult,” she says, “is to give ultimatums, to cut my family off. I really wrestled with that.”
She says she should have realized his advice was a red flag, but instead she threw herself into campus life. She says she barely noticed how little time she spent with her family.
“I spent a lot of time at events,” she says. “I never felt isolated.”
Telling her story at the coffee shop near her apartment, Morris takes a long sip of her chai tea before continuing.
“As long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to study abroad,” she says. “Even in elementary school, I would dream of the places I would go.”
Morris says she started collecting brochures and fliers about studying abroad when she shared her dream with Benjamin.
“He never said I couldn’t go,” she says. “But he kept telling me all the things that might go wrong.”
She says he told her he was concerned their relationship wouldn’t last if she left for a semester. He pointed out examples of other failed relationships within their social group, she says. He continually provided the dangers of traveling abroad, she says.
“I talked myself out of going,” Morris says, her light blue eyes welling with tears. “I convinced myself that I changed my mind, and it wasn’t about Benjamin. But it was. I regret it so much.”
She says she still didn’t think their relationship had a problem.
“Every relationship has compromises,” she says. “And sacrifices.”
“We stopped being ‘him and me’
and started being ‘us and we’.”
Morris says she and Benjamin became a fixture in the residential student community, because they stayed together for several years.
“It was just ‘Stephanie and Benjamin’ always,” she says. “We stopped being ‘him and me’ and started being ‘us and we’.”
During their senior year, Benjamin and Morris’ best friend Grace were co-directing a theater production.
“I loved it,” Morris says. “My best friend and my fiance working on a project together? So fantastic. I just wanted to help out any way I could.”
A few nights before the show opened, Morris says the dress rehearsal was going badly.
“It was one of those nights everyone was high strung,” she says. “Nothing was going right.”
Morris says during a break in the rehearsal, she made a suggestion to Benjamin about a transition in the show. She says she doesn’t remember what she said, but she says she won’t forget the look of anger on his face.
“He snapped at me in front of everyone,” she says. “He basically told me, ‘it’s not your show, shut up, you’re stupid.’ And everyone heard.”
Wiping her eyes, Morris says he had never acted like that in front of their friends before.
“I was shocked, you know?” Morris says. “Maybe in private, but never in public. Never in front of everyone like that.”
Morris says she decided to talk to him later about it, and said nothing to him. After the rehearsal was over and Benjamin was gone, Morris says Grace cornered her.
“Grace was livid,” Morris says. “She was yelling to me about how he was treating me. She demanded to know if it was normal for him to talk to me like that.”
Morris shrugs.
“I told her it wasn’t normal,” she says. “I told her not to worry.”
No one ever asked about their relationship again, Morris says.
Just a few weeks later, Morris says she mentally collapsed.
“I’m a perfectionist and overachiever,” she says. “If I could boil 20 pots of water on a stove meant for four, I would try.”
She says she was juggling her fiance’s show, a job search, her classes, a part-time job, wedding plans, and obligations to her sorority when she went to bed and had a hard time getting back up.
“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” she says. “I couldn’t focus. I wasn’t going to work, and I was sleeping instead of going to class. I stopped planning our wedding.”
She says she had a hard time admitting she needed help. She says she couldn’t bring herself to tell Benjamin.
“He was supposed to be the person I trusted most in the world,” she says. “And instead, he was the last person I felt like I could go to.”
“It was just ‘Stephanie and Benjamin’ always,” she says. “We stopped being ‘him and me’ and started being ‘us and we’.”
During their senior year, Benjamin and Morris’ best friend Grace were co-directing a theater production.
“I loved it,” Morris says. “My best friend and my fiance working on a project together? So fantastic. I just wanted to help out any way I could.”
A few nights before the show opened, Morris says the dress rehearsal was going badly.
“It was one of those nights everyone was high strung,” she says. “Nothing was going right.”
Morris says during a break in the rehearsal, she made a suggestion to Benjamin about a transition in the show. She says she doesn’t remember what she said, but she says she won’t forget the look of anger on his face.
“He snapped at me in front of everyone,” she says. “He basically told me, ‘it’s not your show, shut up, you’re stupid.’ And everyone heard.”
Wiping her eyes, Morris says he had never acted like that in front of their friends before.
“I was shocked, you know?” Morris says. “Maybe in private, but never in public. Never in front of everyone like that.”
Morris says she decided to talk to him later about it, and said nothing to him. After the rehearsal was over and Benjamin was gone, Morris says Grace cornered her.
“Grace was livid,” Morris says. “She was yelling to me about how he was treating me. She demanded to know if it was normal for him to talk to me like that.”
Morris shrugs.
“I told her it wasn’t normal,” she says. “I told her not to worry.”
No one ever asked about their relationship again, Morris says.
Just a few weeks later, Morris says she mentally collapsed.
“I’m a perfectionist and overachiever,” she says. “If I could boil 20 pots of water on a stove meant for four, I would try.”
She says she was juggling her fiance’s show, a job search, her classes, a part-time job, wedding plans, and obligations to her sorority when she went to bed and had a hard time getting back up.
“I just couldn’t do it anymore,” she says. “I couldn’t focus. I wasn’t going to work, and I was sleeping instead of going to class. I stopped planning our wedding.”
She says she had a hard time admitting she needed help. She says she couldn’t bring herself to tell Benjamin.
“He was supposed to be the person I trusted most in the world,” she says. “And instead, he was the last person I felt like I could go to.”
“He said he didn’t know if I was
the kind of woman he wanted
to marry anymore... I really believed Benjamin was the victim in all this."
Morris says she felt ashamed of herself, but she finally mustered the courage to tell her family and her fiance.
“I had to tell everyone I wasn’t going to graduate,” she says.
She says Benjamin told her he felt betrayed by her actions.
“He said he didn’t know if I was the kind of woman he wanted to marry anymore,” she says.
Morris and Benjamin enrolled in Christian couple’s counseling to repair the trust he said was broken.
“We looked at my mental health with the pastor,” she says. “Maybe I had depression, or anxiety. I really believed Benjamin was the victim in all this.”
She says she briefly went on medication, but Benjamin was no longer interested in having a relationship.
“He gave up,” she says. “He strung me along for a while, but he kept deciding he couldn’t be with me.”
Morris says they didn’t stop speaking when they broke up. She says he joined the military, and would send emails to her every few days.
“He would write, ‘I love you, I miss you so much’,” she says. “He would say, ‘you’re my everything,’ and he would dare me to ask him to leave me alone.”
She says she felt confused each time a new message came through, but responded each time.
“I wasn’t going to hold a grudge,” she says.
She says he told her being apart made him feel like he was dying, but she says for the first time in years, she felt alive. She says she couldn’t keep being his angel.
“He would ask me to give him a reason to live,” Morris says. “He asked me to save him. I felt like I was living on a roller coaster.”
To get some perspective, she says she forwarded one of his emails to a friend.
“She told me it was emotional abuse,” Morris says. “She said he wasn’t going to change. I didn’t even know how to identify abuse.”
When she shared this with her sister, Morris says, her sister sent Benjamin an angry email about the relationship. She says Benjamin replied saying he had ‘no qualms’ about her accusations of abuse.
“I don’t think he should be in another relationship,” Morris says. “I don’t trust him.”
Morris says she’s still not sure how she should have handled her relationship with Benjamin.
“It’s not like there was one event,” she says. “It was subtle. It happened over time.”
She says she feels regret over the college years she wasted.
“I gave up on my dreams,” she says. “I would play his mind games with myself, to convince myself I wanted what he wanted. I lost sight of myself and where I wanted to go.”
Two years have passed since she and Benjamin broke up, but Morris says she still has problems with dating.
“I don’t want to let myself down again,” she says. “But I’m starting to trust again. It’s a process.”
“I had to tell everyone I wasn’t going to graduate,” she says.
She says Benjamin told her he felt betrayed by her actions.
“He said he didn’t know if I was the kind of woman he wanted to marry anymore,” she says.
Morris and Benjamin enrolled in Christian couple’s counseling to repair the trust he said was broken.
“We looked at my mental health with the pastor,” she says. “Maybe I had depression, or anxiety. I really believed Benjamin was the victim in all this.”
She says she briefly went on medication, but Benjamin was no longer interested in having a relationship.
“He gave up,” she says. “He strung me along for a while, but he kept deciding he couldn’t be with me.”
Morris says they didn’t stop speaking when they broke up. She says he joined the military, and would send emails to her every few days.
“He would write, ‘I love you, I miss you so much’,” she says. “He would say, ‘you’re my everything,’ and he would dare me to ask him to leave me alone.”
She says she felt confused each time a new message came through, but responded each time.
“I wasn’t going to hold a grudge,” she says.
She says he told her being apart made him feel like he was dying, but she says for the first time in years, she felt alive. She says she couldn’t keep being his angel.
“He would ask me to give him a reason to live,” Morris says. “He asked me to save him. I felt like I was living on a roller coaster.”
To get some perspective, she says she forwarded one of his emails to a friend.
“She told me it was emotional abuse,” Morris says. “She said he wasn’t going to change. I didn’t even know how to identify abuse.”
When she shared this with her sister, Morris says, her sister sent Benjamin an angry email about the relationship. She says Benjamin replied saying he had ‘no qualms’ about her accusations of abuse.
“I don’t think he should be in another relationship,” Morris says. “I don’t trust him.”
Morris says she’s still not sure how she should have handled her relationship with Benjamin.
“It’s not like there was one event,” she says. “It was subtle. It happened over time.”
She says she feels regret over the college years she wasted.
“I gave up on my dreams,” she says. “I would play his mind games with myself, to convince myself I wanted what he wanted. I lost sight of myself and where I wanted to go.”
Two years have passed since she and Benjamin broke up, but Morris says she still has problems with dating.
“I don’t want to let myself down again,” she says. “But I’m starting to trust again. It’s a process.”
"She started cheating on me because
I 'wasn't the man she knew.'"
Boys Don’t Cry
David Stewart, business major at Park University, says he knew something was wrong with his relationship with Emily early on. He says she isolated him from his friends and family through emotional pressure.
“I didn’t talk to my friends for an entire year,” Stewart writes in a text message to the Stylus. Text messaging is the only way he says he felt comfortable telling his story. “I barely saw my family. I constantly had to check in with her on every little thing.”
Stewart says Emily told him to stop spending time with his father specifically.
“She was convinced I’d become just like him if I didn’t distance myself,” he says.
The time he did spend with Emily wasn’t any more pleasant because he obeyed her wishes, he says.
“Even sex became a tool to keep me under her thumb,” he writes.
He says his confidence in himself was broken and he felt insecure. He says he changed his personality to try to be the boyfriend Emily wanted.
“Then she started cheating on me,” he says. “Because I ‘wasn’t the man she knew.’”
Stewart says he tries not to think about how he felt while dating Emily, because he says he knows others have had it worse.
“I just try to put it all behind me,” he says.
David Stewart, business major at Park University, says he knew something was wrong with his relationship with Emily early on. He says she isolated him from his friends and family through emotional pressure.
“I didn’t talk to my friends for an entire year,” Stewart writes in a text message to the Stylus. Text messaging is the only way he says he felt comfortable telling his story. “I barely saw my family. I constantly had to check in with her on every little thing.”
Stewart says Emily told him to stop spending time with his father specifically.
“She was convinced I’d become just like him if I didn’t distance myself,” he says.
The time he did spend with Emily wasn’t any more pleasant because he obeyed her wishes, he says.
“Even sex became a tool to keep me under her thumb,” he writes.
He says his confidence in himself was broken and he felt insecure. He says he changed his personality to try to be the boyfriend Emily wanted.
“Then she started cheating on me,” he says. “Because I ‘wasn’t the man she knew.’”
Stewart says he tries not to think about how he felt while dating Emily, because he says he knows others have had it worse.
“I just try to put it all behind me,” he says.
“Each time he started a new job or class, he would lose interest quickly and begin to complain about how horrible it was."
Keep in touch
“Matthew never hit me,” says Natalie Wright, recent alumna music major from William Jewell College in Liberty, Mo. “But that doesn’t mean he didn’t knock me down with his words.”
Wright and Matthew met in high school, and Wright says they had an instant connection. But he had a girlfriend, so Wright says she didn’t pursue him. She says Matthew and his girlfriend got married right out of high school, and divorced six months later because his wife cheated on him.
“He was devastated,” says Wright. “He came back to Kansas City, and the initial sparks magnified.”
She says, looking back, she shouldn’t have dated someone going through a divorce.
“The fact that he kept postponing his divorce should have thrown up a red flag for me,” she says, “but it didn’t. I accepted all his excuses about not having money or not being able to contact his ex.”
She says their relationship became serious quickly.
“We said, ‘I love you,’ after a month,” she says.
Though he said he was in love with Wright, she says he still cried over his ex-wife.
“I was understanding at first, because I kind of understood what it was like to have a broken heart,” she says. “I knew it was not an easy thing to get over, and I couldn’t even imagine getting over someone you thought you were going to have forever.”
Wright says Matthew acted paranoid that she was going to cheat on him, too.
“He got angry every time my guy friend and I hung out,” says Wright. “Soon, I stopped hanging out with him just to avoid the fighting Matthew and I would do afterwards.”
She says Matthew would go through her Facebook messages to look for signs she was cheating.
“It shocked me because I rarely gave him a reason to be that way,” Wright says.
She says Matthew gave her a cell phone for their first Christmas during her freshman year of college. She had never had one before. He told her it would be easier to talk if she had a phone, and she said she was overjoyed. But the joy didn’t last long, she says.
“We texted non-stop, which was his way of keeping tabs on me,” says Wright. “If I didn’t respond quickly enough for him, he would shoot me another text demanding to know what I was doing and where I was.”
She says Matthew would be upset if she didn’t text back during class or at work, even if there would be consequences for doing so.
“Finally I made him understand I couldn’t text during those events,” she says. “I had to focus.”
Wright says he had little empathy for her class and work schedules, and she says she thinks it was because he wasn’t working or going to school. At the end of her freshman year, Matthew moved in with his mother in central Missouri.
“The four hour distance between us was both terrible and wonderful,” she says. “It meant I didn’t have to spend as much physical time with him, so I could focus on school and work, but it also meant he wanted to talk on the phone or computer even more.”
Around the same time as receiving her new phone, Wright says she was taking care of her disabled mother. Her mother was having surgery, and Wright says Matthew was upset about the time Wright spent with her mother.
“He demanded I let him come to KC and stay with me so we could have time together,” she says.
Matthew did everything he could to convince Wright to abandon her mother, she says. After pressure, she says she did limit her time with her family.
Wright says Matthew tried three colleges and 10 jobs during their three years together.
“Each time he started a new job or class, he would lose interest quickly and begin to complain about how horrible it was,” Wright says.
She says she thinks his untreated depression took a heavy toll on his obligations, and Matthew often gave up when he didn’t succeed immediately.
“He was depressed enough, the last thing I wanted to do was call him a quitter,” says Wright, “even though that’s how I saw him sometimes.”
Matthew started treating Wright as his whole world, she says.
“Every time I was about to hang out with someone other than him for even an hour,” says Wright, “he suddenly had some sort of issue and I had to support him. He missed his ex, or he missed his dad who left him, or he randomly felt sad, or he needed help finding a job.”
She says he always had a reason she couldn’t spend time with her friends. If she went anyway, she says, he always knew how to make her feel guilty about it the whole time.
“Matthew never hit me,” says Natalie Wright, recent alumna music major from William Jewell College in Liberty, Mo. “But that doesn’t mean he didn’t knock me down with his words.”
Wright and Matthew met in high school, and Wright says they had an instant connection. But he had a girlfriend, so Wright says she didn’t pursue him. She says Matthew and his girlfriend got married right out of high school, and divorced six months later because his wife cheated on him.
“He was devastated,” says Wright. “He came back to Kansas City, and the initial sparks magnified.”
She says, looking back, she shouldn’t have dated someone going through a divorce.
“The fact that he kept postponing his divorce should have thrown up a red flag for me,” she says, “but it didn’t. I accepted all his excuses about not having money or not being able to contact his ex.”
She says their relationship became serious quickly.
“We said, ‘I love you,’ after a month,” she says.
Though he said he was in love with Wright, she says he still cried over his ex-wife.
“I was understanding at first, because I kind of understood what it was like to have a broken heart,” she says. “I knew it was not an easy thing to get over, and I couldn’t even imagine getting over someone you thought you were going to have forever.”
Wright says Matthew acted paranoid that she was going to cheat on him, too.
“He got angry every time my guy friend and I hung out,” says Wright. “Soon, I stopped hanging out with him just to avoid the fighting Matthew and I would do afterwards.”
She says Matthew would go through her Facebook messages to look for signs she was cheating.
“It shocked me because I rarely gave him a reason to be that way,” Wright says.
She says Matthew gave her a cell phone for their first Christmas during her freshman year of college. She had never had one before. He told her it would be easier to talk if she had a phone, and she said she was overjoyed. But the joy didn’t last long, she says.
“We texted non-stop, which was his way of keeping tabs on me,” says Wright. “If I didn’t respond quickly enough for him, he would shoot me another text demanding to know what I was doing and where I was.”
She says Matthew would be upset if she didn’t text back during class or at work, even if there would be consequences for doing so.
“Finally I made him understand I couldn’t text during those events,” she says. “I had to focus.”
Wright says he had little empathy for her class and work schedules, and she says she thinks it was because he wasn’t working or going to school. At the end of her freshman year, Matthew moved in with his mother in central Missouri.
“The four hour distance between us was both terrible and wonderful,” she says. “It meant I didn’t have to spend as much physical time with him, so I could focus on school and work, but it also meant he wanted to talk on the phone or computer even more.”
Around the same time as receiving her new phone, Wright says she was taking care of her disabled mother. Her mother was having surgery, and Wright says Matthew was upset about the time Wright spent with her mother.
“He demanded I let him come to KC and stay with me so we could have time together,” she says.
Matthew did everything he could to convince Wright to abandon her mother, she says. After pressure, she says she did limit her time with her family.
Wright says Matthew tried three colleges and 10 jobs during their three years together.
“Each time he started a new job or class, he would lose interest quickly and begin to complain about how horrible it was,” Wright says.
She says she thinks his untreated depression took a heavy toll on his obligations, and Matthew often gave up when he didn’t succeed immediately.
“He was depressed enough, the last thing I wanted to do was call him a quitter,” says Wright, “even though that’s how I saw him sometimes.”
Matthew started treating Wright as his whole world, she says.
“Every time I was about to hang out with someone other than him for even an hour,” says Wright, “he suddenly had some sort of issue and I had to support him. He missed his ex, or he missed his dad who left him, or he randomly felt sad, or he needed help finding a job.”
She says he always had a reason she couldn’t spend time with her friends. If she went anyway, she says, he always knew how to make her feel guilty about it the whole time.
"He called me a slut.
He didn't want me to wear shorts
or low-cut shirts, except around him."
Wright remembers the last time she spent time with friends during her relationship with Matthew. She says she was going dancing with her friends for a girl’s night, and mentioned it to her boyfriend. She assured him they wouldn’t be dancing with other guys, she says.
“He texted and called nonstop,” Wright says. “I actually spent most of the evening in the bathroom crying on the phone as he yelled at me.“
She says he didn’t trust her around other men. He monitored the clothes she wore and often disapproved, she says.
“He called me a slut,” she says. “He didn’t want me to wear shorts or low-cut shirts, except around him.”
Only Matthew could be jealous, she says, and he would test her jealousy.
“He once spent the night at another girl’s house,” she says. “In the bed with her.”
Wright says when she confronted him about it, Matthew made her feel guilty for not trusting him.
“He acted like it was no big deal,” she says.
She was a virgin when they started dating, she says. She says he would make fun of her for sticking to the conservative values she was raised with.
“He didn’t like waiting,” she says. “We did everything but intercourse for eight months, but it wasn’t good enough for him.”
Wright says she wanted to be more serious before breaking her virginity.
“One of the first times we spent the night together,” she says, “he entered me without permission.”
She says she was upset, but he didn’t apologize.
“I chalked it up to the heat of the moment,” she says, “but now I see it was sexual assault.”
He didn’t try again for four more months, Wright says.
She says she liked feeling helpful to Matthew.
“I wanted to help him get over his depression and move on past the girl who broke his heart,” Wright says. “I think that’s one of the reasons I got with him.”
She says Matthew didn’t like the help she gave. He would say she wasn’t doing enough, Wright says.
Wright recalls one incident during the second year of their relationship. She says she felt good about how supportive she had been over the past few days, and was happy to be a good girlfriend. She said his words to her were like a bombshell.
“He asked me why I had not been listening to him this week,” she says. “He told me I had been neglectful recently and that he was really hurt.”
Shortly after that, Wright moved to Oxford, England for a year studying abroad.
“I felt guilty a lot,” she says. “He made me feel bad for ‘leaving’ him in the States.”
She said he had asked her not to go to England, because of the impact on their relationship. During her time abroad, she and Matthew broke up for a month, but reconciled in time for their anniversary.
“I tried everything I could to ‘make it up to him,’” she says, “and that often meant I was glued to my computer while abroad.”
Wright says she bought a cell phone with a Skype application during her stay, so she could talk to him when she wasn’t at home. She says she would hurry through her errands to be home in time to talk to him each day.
“He never asked me to do such a thing,” Wright says, “but I volunteered because I was already so wrapped up in everything. I thought I was being kind, but I was really being stupid.”
“He texted and called nonstop,” Wright says. “I actually spent most of the evening in the bathroom crying on the phone as he yelled at me.“
She says he didn’t trust her around other men. He monitored the clothes she wore and often disapproved, she says.
“He called me a slut,” she says. “He didn’t want me to wear shorts or low-cut shirts, except around him.”
Only Matthew could be jealous, she says, and he would test her jealousy.
“He once spent the night at another girl’s house,” she says. “In the bed with her.”
Wright says when she confronted him about it, Matthew made her feel guilty for not trusting him.
“He acted like it was no big deal,” she says.
She was a virgin when they started dating, she says. She says he would make fun of her for sticking to the conservative values she was raised with.
“He didn’t like waiting,” she says. “We did everything but intercourse for eight months, but it wasn’t good enough for him.”
Wright says she wanted to be more serious before breaking her virginity.
“One of the first times we spent the night together,” she says, “he entered me without permission.”
She says she was upset, but he didn’t apologize.
“I chalked it up to the heat of the moment,” she says, “but now I see it was sexual assault.”
He didn’t try again for four more months, Wright says.
She says she liked feeling helpful to Matthew.
“I wanted to help him get over his depression and move on past the girl who broke his heart,” Wright says. “I think that’s one of the reasons I got with him.”
She says Matthew didn’t like the help she gave. He would say she wasn’t doing enough, Wright says.
Wright recalls one incident during the second year of their relationship. She says she felt good about how supportive she had been over the past few days, and was happy to be a good girlfriend. She said his words to her were like a bombshell.
“He asked me why I had not been listening to him this week,” she says. “He told me I had been neglectful recently and that he was really hurt.”
Shortly after that, Wright moved to Oxford, England for a year studying abroad.
“I felt guilty a lot,” she says. “He made me feel bad for ‘leaving’ him in the States.”
She said he had asked her not to go to England, because of the impact on their relationship. During her time abroad, she and Matthew broke up for a month, but reconciled in time for their anniversary.
“I tried everything I could to ‘make it up to him,’” she says, “and that often meant I was glued to my computer while abroad.”
Wright says she bought a cell phone with a Skype application during her stay, so she could talk to him when she wasn’t at home. She says she would hurry through her errands to be home in time to talk to him each day.
“He never asked me to do such a thing,” Wright says, “but I volunteered because I was already so wrapped up in everything. I thought I was being kind, but I was really being stupid.”
"He only hung on to the negative things
I shared, and often asked me why
was doing school if I didn’t know
where it would take me."
It’s the things he didn’t do, Wright says, that are almost as painful as what he did.
“He never said he was proud of me,” she says. “He never said he was happy for me, or acted supportive. He actually said he didn’t want to hear about what I was doing because he would never get to do those things.”
She says she would often talk to him about her uncertainties in the world, and ask for advice.
“He only hung on to the negative things I shared,” she says, “and often asked me why I was doing school if I didn’t know where it would take me.”
Her senior year was stressful, Wright says. She was balancing school, work, rehearsing an opera and her relationship.
“He never came to my performances,” she says. “He said good luck, but he didn’t come see me.”
On the last day of finals, she says, she was feeling great. She had finished her exams, wrapped up the opera, and performed in a friend’s recital. He was not excited for her, she says.
“He said ‘we need to talk,’” she says.
That night, she says Matthew broke up with her.
“I suppose I should give him credit for not breaking up with me in the middle of the semester,” she says, “but he could have at least given me some time to be happy and proud.“
She says he didn’t pay for his part of the bills, which automatically were withdrawn from her bank account. She says Matthew owes her approximately $1,000 in household bills she paid for him, but she says she doesn’t think she’ll ever get paid back.
Wright says she knows people wonder how someone can stay with an abuser. She says she stayed with Matthew because she hoped things would get better.
“I stayed not only because I loved him with every fiber of my being,” she says, “but because I was in love with our future and what I thought we could be.”
She says she dreamed of a time when Matthew found a career he enjoyed and starting a family together.
She says now, nearly a year after their break-up, she still finds herself acting like she’s still with him.
“I apologize a lot,” she says. “I was used to apologizing for everything because I was afraid of a fight.”
She says she has to resist texting the guy she is dating now, because she has the habit of checking in with Matthew. She says she knows she still has a long way to go to recover.
Getting help
What these students all have in common is they didn’t need help to end their unhealthy relationships. However, some people aren’t so lucky. If someone you know is afraid to break up with their partner, feels they may be harmed, or suspects their relationship is abusive, contact the Synergy Services Crisis Hotline at 816-452-8535 or toll-free at 800-491-1114 any time, day or night. Synergy provides counseling, shelter for youth, women, and families, and empowerment classes to help survivors rebuild self esteem.
“He never said he was proud of me,” she says. “He never said he was happy for me, or acted supportive. He actually said he didn’t want to hear about what I was doing because he would never get to do those things.”
She says she would often talk to him about her uncertainties in the world, and ask for advice.
“He only hung on to the negative things I shared,” she says, “and often asked me why I was doing school if I didn’t know where it would take me.”
Her senior year was stressful, Wright says. She was balancing school, work, rehearsing an opera and her relationship.
“He never came to my performances,” she says. “He said good luck, but he didn’t come see me.”
On the last day of finals, she says, she was feeling great. She had finished her exams, wrapped up the opera, and performed in a friend’s recital. He was not excited for her, she says.
“He said ‘we need to talk,’” she says.
That night, she says Matthew broke up with her.
“I suppose I should give him credit for not breaking up with me in the middle of the semester,” she says, “but he could have at least given me some time to be happy and proud.“
She says he didn’t pay for his part of the bills, which automatically were withdrawn from her bank account. She says Matthew owes her approximately $1,000 in household bills she paid for him, but she says she doesn’t think she’ll ever get paid back.
Wright says she knows people wonder how someone can stay with an abuser. She says she stayed with Matthew because she hoped things would get better.
“I stayed not only because I loved him with every fiber of my being,” she says, “but because I was in love with our future and what I thought we could be.”
She says she dreamed of a time when Matthew found a career he enjoyed and starting a family together.
She says now, nearly a year after their break-up, she still finds herself acting like she’s still with him.
“I apologize a lot,” she says. “I was used to apologizing for everything because I was afraid of a fight.”
She says she has to resist texting the guy she is dating now, because she has the habit of checking in with Matthew. She says she knows she still has a long way to go to recover.
Getting help
What these students all have in common is they didn’t need help to end their unhealthy relationships. However, some people aren’t so lucky. If someone you know is afraid to break up with their partner, feels they may be harmed, or suspects their relationship is abusive, contact the Synergy Services Crisis Hotline at 816-452-8535 or toll-free at 800-491-1114 any time, day or night. Synergy provides counseling, shelter for youth, women, and families, and empowerment classes to help survivors rebuild self esteem.